No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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