I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
