put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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