its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Are my feet made of real feet?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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