Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Bring me that man meat
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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