at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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