When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I enjoy the company of your penis
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