Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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