we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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