I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
