Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
it glows. i had to have it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
