So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
