Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
