I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
