Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
