Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
