My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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