i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
