My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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