She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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