i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
