Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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