garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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