Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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