Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
