I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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