Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
