Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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