sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
