Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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