Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
