Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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