Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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