Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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