I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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