put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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