Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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