That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
