perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
