I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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