hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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