i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think people are normalizing furries
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
