He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
