Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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