is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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