We're like a lot better than the average bears
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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