he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
