My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
