apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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