Cold hands, warm shart.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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