I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
