Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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