How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
