apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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