Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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