shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
