I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
